This is where my journey begins....

I have been debating about blogging for months. I may not have the most interesting life or perspective, but I do know that throughout my life I have learned many lessons - and I am still learning.  This blog is about those lessons.

Although my journey in life began 38 years ago, somewhere along those years, I lost myself. I lost who Deanna was. I became the woman that I was "supposed" to be... I spent so much time living up to certain expectations, and trying to overcome life's circumstances, that I completely lost sight of who I was, who I am.

It wasn't long ago, I was having a conversation with someone who is very important in my life - this man is someone I respect, and love, and he has a heart so big that it often gets in the way of business. We've known each other for over 3 years. He and I were having a casual conversation when he asked about my family and childhood. Now, let me preface, as close as I am to this person, he had no idea just how complicated my life has been. When I shared very high level surface details, he was amazed that I had turned out to be the person that I am. I told him he had no idea.... when I tell people "my story", they either think 1) wow - how in the world did she turn out so well or 2) there is no way, this chick is totally lying...  Regardless, that conversation lead to another conversation, about the dreaded "c" word.... Counseling...

Ok, I have been there/done that/got the t-shirt/the dvd/etc.... but this time, I thought, you know, let's give it one more try. I'm so thankful that I did. I met with a Christian counselor my friend introduced me to, and it has absolutely opened doors that I didn't even know I had!!!  Throughout the next few weeks, I began to unravel the Deanna that everyone knows and find the real Deanna buried far beneath....  In August, the culmination of this journey began with a week long vacation that was long overdue!

I decided to take a southern tour. I would go to Greenville, South Carolina first to visit my dear friend, Karen - then on to Charleston, South Carolina to spend a few days with my other family, Cindy, Scott and Jon Lee, with a pit stop at my favorite beach - Edisto, then to Augusta, Georgia to see my uncle Ed, and my cousin, Marty and his family - then last stop in Atlanta, Georgia to visit with my old friends and neighbors....

I had made an internal decision that this trip was going to be for me and about me - this would be the Diva's trip. I would have a loose schedule, without strict guidelines (and if you know me at all, you know I'm a planner, and spontaneity is not my strong suit). I decided I would just let God guide me on this journey of self-discovery. I would decide "whose in and whose out" in my life during this time...  I would figure out who Deanna was and stop being the person that I thought I had to be.... It wasn't long before I figured out this was the most God ordained trip I have ever been on in my life... and God had a different plan for what this trip was going to be about.

I left on a Friday and had a beautiful drive through the Tennessee, North Carolina and South Carolina mountains.  I spent those hours on the road talking and listening to God, taking in the beauty of the mountains, feeling the warm breeze flow through the sunroof, admiring the bright green trees, the incredible soaring eagles, puffy white clouds and the most breathtaking stretch of white, pink and red wildflowers along the shoulder of the North Carolina mountains near Asheville. 

Taylors, SC (Greenville): I arrived at Karen and Phil's house, the sun was just setting and Karen was sitting on the front steps waiting for me. I have never felt so at home in my life. It was so good to see Karen! I love her and her husband, Phil so much, even their cat, Frances (who dislikes me ALOT!). They are two of my favorite people in the world. I believe Karen and I share a kindred spirit. She is artistic, eclectic, bold, refreshing, giving and more importantly REAL.  She and I spent many hours talking Friday and Saturday. She shared with me everything that she was doing at Triune and The Beach House (her church, church's homeless mission, and event house). She told me about the homeless men and women - and how some people pray for freedom of their addiction, when we need to pray for them - God still loves them - despite their addiction! They are worthy of His love despite their circumstances. She also shared about her women's journaling group at church. The journaling group's purpose is to share and be real with God and about God - and to write God's Word.  Writing and believe God's Word puts us in line with His Word.  She shared wisdom with me that I knew God had designed well before my arrival! At one point, she shared with me a paragraph from "Here and Now", by Henri Nouwen. The sentence that stuck in my head was about "being free from the burden of judging others"..  

Pharisee - A member of an ancient Jewish sect, distinguished by strict observance of the traditional and written law, and commonly held to have pretensions to superior sanctity. A self-righteous person; a hypocrite.

The reason this was so profound was because in my counseling, we had just discussed all of these things - being worthy, speaking God's word over myself, and being free from judging others. I had also been reading The Prodigal God, which is the story about the Prodigal son, but the focus is on the other brother - and his attitude - and how Jesus was telling the story to the Pharisees (who are represented by the older brother). He was doing what he was supposed to do - doing everything right - and was judging the father and younger son.  

It become very clear that I was to set my eyes on the truth (God's truth), and He will set me free. The truth is, I had been being a Pharisee, and despite that GOD still loves me and says I am worthy - we all are...  God loves the homeless man who is addicted to alcohol, he loves the woman who is addicted to drugs and lost her children, he loves our government leaders, our unsaved loved ones and he loves you and me, regardless of our circumstances, our net worth, our outward appearance, etc... He loves us all the same.  I am worthy, you are worthy, the homeless man and drug addicted woman are worthy... It's not my job, or yours, to judge them or others - or to judge our family or friends.... Think about how much lighter you would feel if you didn't judge anyone... That single sentence, has shattered my entire way of thinking - in a wonderful way. 

This blog is not about being holier than thou, it's about being real. It's about sharing my heart and God's word.  I want my words to be God's word. It is about just "being".

I'll share the rest of my vacation over the coming days. It is alot to process and everyday brought a new revelation. In closing, I would like to leave you with the following scriptures:

Romans 8:28

 ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. New International Version (NIV)

 

Philippians 4:8

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. New International Version (NIV)




Karen and I at Falls on the Reedy in downtown Greenville