Uncovering the Diva: Do you know where I found God?

Have you ever had those moments in your life where you think you are alone? and feel like you are alone? Have you ever felt like you are standing in a field and all you can see for miles and miles is fields of flowers? Have you ever felt like there is no one else in the world who knows what you are going through? or standing where you've stood? I have.... More often than not.

As I continued on my journey of self-discovery, I found myself alone in the car, driving down some of the most beautiful stretches of road I've ever been on. This gave me plenty of time to reflect and talk to God.... Although, I didn't do much "talking"... It was more of being quiet and listening - or at least trying to listen.

I made my way across South Carolina to Charleston to visit with the Lee family. Cindy is like my sister - I believe we may have been separated at birth! She is one of those spiritual "mothers" that God put in my life, exactly when I needed one. Cindy and I always pick up RIGHT where we left off. She has poured "good God stuff" into me since the day we met... and this time was no different - except I was different. I know she knew something was going on with me, even though she didn't say a word until the middle of a church service on Sunday.

The Deanna that most of my church family knew was so committed, so prayer oriented, so helpful, so focused and this time I just wasn't.... I had an incredible time catching up with Cindy, Scott and their son (my adopted nephew), Jon. Cindy and I sat up late talking, sharing life and God stories. This woman is full of Godly wisdom and she has introduced me to so many wonderful Christian speakers, authors, musicians, etc.... This time was no different, she immediately starting sharing articles and books with me. Which I loved! I still felt lost though.... and I had no idea how to tell her....

On Sunday, as we prepared to go to church, I had a pit in my stomach. I didn't want to go - but knew I needed to. I didn't share this with Cindy because again, I had no idea how to tell her what I was going through... We made it to church just as service was about to begin, but we did have time to take a moment to introduce to me her Pastor, Marc Campbell. He seemed like a wonderful man, and coincidentally enough, he was from Hazard! As service progressed and the Holy Spirit began to move, I was trying hard not to "crack". You've been there, gripping the pew in front of you, choking back tears, not making eye contact with anyone..... Classic avoidance - the thing that I am the best at!

The pastor stood up and shared a word from the Lord. He said he didn't know why he was sharing this, but felt someone in the church needed to hear this today - he began with how many times have you felt alone, you've felt like God had left you... the poster we've all seen where you are hanging on the end of the rope by one thread.... You may feel like you are are hanging on by that single thread and that God has left you, but God has never left you. You may have left Him, either because you didn't want to hang on or couldn't hang on, but He has never left you.... He is here to restore the broken places...

Sidebar ~ The praise team leader read a scripture prior to the Pastor's comments... the scripture was Ephesians 2:2-10.

And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. NKJV

The phrase that stood out to me in this verse was "But God". I have a friend, Susan, who shared with me one night that she relies on "But God" anytime the devil gets in her face... that has stuck with me since that night, and this Sunday was no different.

As "But God" resonated through my soul, and the Pastor was sharing that someone needed restoration, I broke....

Cindy leaned into me and I feel into her arms in tears.... I told her I couldn't pray... I hadn't been able to "pray" in the traditional sense in months.... All I could do was cry anytime I tried to pray.... Cindy began praying over me, and finally I felt such a release I began to pray and sob even more. The Pastor came over and prayed for me - he spoke healing and restoration of the broken places.... Wow... The broken places. That's what I had been battling, that's why I was in counseling, that's why I needed God. That's when I found God. I found Him in my heart. He had been there all along.

On August 28, 2011, I rededicated my life to God. I feel like a brand new baby Christian. For once in my life, I'm finding Christianity in my way - I'm not trying to be perfect, I'm not condemning myself or feeling guilty when I'm not perfect, I'm finding out what I love and I like and what draws me to God.... I found that God doesn't expect us to be perfect, only His Son was perfect. There are extremes in Christianity, and just like in everything, you have to find balance.. I'm searching for that balance....