Greetings 2011... We are 19 hours into 2011 and I have already been confronted with people from the past to whom I have given multiple chances too. People whom I have closed doors on two, three, four, five, six..... times or more... I seem to keep the door propped open just enough to cause me distress.... Why is this?
One of these people is related to me. I have tried multiple times to be a part of her life and allow her to be a part of mine... Unfortunately she is one of those people who use you and manipulate you until nothing is left. Myself, along with other friends and family members have allowed this person to come into our lives and turn it upside down time and time again. I finally hit my breaking point a couple of years ago. I had no contact with her for over a year. It was such a peaceful time... Although we are in contact now, it is very limited and very one sided.. She calls me, I do not answer. She leaves voicemails and I listen to them, but do not respond. Something happens with each message though. As I listen to her voice and she tries once again to reach out to me, her sincere statements are followed by narcissistic comments and "oh poor me" stories, I react not only with anger that she professes to have changed (obviously she has not) but I also find myself feeling guilty almost immediately... Why is this??
Several months ago, I asked a dear friend (who is also an ex-boyfriend, and I will forever refer to him as my one true soul mate) what he thought was wrong with me... I was having "man" issues and I called him and said, "I don't understand. Why do people treat me like this? I have given this man chance after chance after chance. Yet he continues to treat me poorly." He's answer was simply, "You're too nice". I sat for a minute and thought, "What??? Is that possible? To be nice?". I questioned him and he said, "Yes, you're too nice. It wasn't challenging. When I wanted to do my own thing, or made last minute plans you were always fine with everything..." I've been thinking about that ever since.... I AM usually fine with everything. Why is this???
Here are my thoughts.... I am too nice.. One thing I know about me for sure is that I have a big heart, and I love deeply. I also know that I do give people too many chances. Why is this??? It is because I believe there is good in everyone. I also believe it is what Jesus would do (not meaning to be so cliche').... I do believe people act without thinking, they make snap decisions that equate to bad judgement and therefore they screw up... They react with their emotions not their common sense. If people in my life wrote me off every time I did something stupid, I would have very few people in my life. In fact, it's just the opposite. My life is full of family and friends that are spread across the country. People that love me despite my flaws...
As for the "man" issue that I was discussing with my former boyfriend.... he reappeared today. Long story short, we dated, he lied to me on a couple of occasions, and I finally ended things. He is now apologizing and I told him that I have forgiven him, but do I let him back in my life? Do I allow him into my heart again? Do I give him yet another chance and pretend everything is fine?
Maybe I am being naive, maybe I am being too nice... But it's who I am. This is the one thing that I do know about me.... I am a loving, forgiving person, but when pushed too far I shut down.
There it is... I shut down..... Shutting down is what I do.... that's why I appear to be so put together to friends and family... That's why I spend too much money and shop when it's not in my budget.... that's why I eat an entire box of chocolate covered cherries without thinking.... That's why I sabotage myself in every area of my life... By spending money, eating food, wasting hours online, or watching TV, I am able to avoid reality....
How do I stop shutting down and close the doors that I leave propped open. I have to make a choice. Here is what I choose to do for today. The relative that is imposing her guilt on me will not be allowed to be a part of my life until I know she is sincere. I do not anticipate this happening because at 50-something years old, she's not going to change unless God moves tremendously in her life. It's hard to be so harsh because this person should be a special part of my life. I will have to face this battle between my head and heart for the rest of my life. I have to tell my heart, that my head rules and WINS on this one. This is for my benefit. I refuse to allow her to steal my joy and make me feel guilty for things that she has done. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I will not allow here to be a part of my life as long as she continues to manipulate, guilt and be all about herself... So, this door is forever closed... As for the man, will, I am giving him a second, second chance. He is not "in" yet.. He has a long way to go to earn my trust and my heart again. I have made it clear that I will not stop dating other men or talking to them because he has a big job ahead of him. We'll see if he is up for the challenge. If he fails this time, the door will close for good....
I have to many open doors in my life... I need to close the doors that allow these people back into my life, not close the doors on me. It's time that I make decisions and not allow past hurts to haunt me, to allow myself to say no and to be able to say, "Everything is not fine..." I need to express my feelings and not shut down. Shutting down hurts no one but me... by shutting down, I allow these people to maintain power over me. No more. It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling fine....
Until next time,
The Diva
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